I hate my birthday.  I seriously do.  My mom was big on celebrating birthdays.  She was the one who made it special.  Since she passed away, it's not the same.  And it's even worse since her birthday was the day after mine.  Every year I try not to think about it, but as it creeps closer I get more and more depressed.  I've given up trying to make it special.  I wanted to do something big last year...turning 30 and all, but of course I couldn't do anything really because of money and whatever.  It's seriously the saddest day of the year for me.  Maybe it wouldn't suck so much if, I don't know, maybe if all those people I've spent years sending birthday cards to and calling to say "Happy Birthday" to would return the favor just once.  Ugh, it's like my birthday has become this giant reminder that I'm a loser and everyone hates me.

feelings

I haven't written anything here in almost a year. Not shocking really. I guess I've finally learned to live in the "real world" most of the time, so I feel less compelled to blog. So why am I blogging today? I don't know. Boredom? Too many feelings swirling around that I can't talk to anyone about? *sigh* That's probably it. My grandmother passed away a week and a half ago. I miss her a lot. We were always very close. Losing her would have been hard no matter what the circumstances were, but after she died my family really pissed me off and make me sad. Her son or sons or sons and sister, I really don't know who is to blame but THEY decided to immediately cremate my grammy without having a viewing or a funeral or anything. There wasn't even an obituary in the paper. How f*ing disrespectful is that? This amazing, kind, sweet woman deserved better. I know I will never forgive them. I'm going "home to PA" in July. I didn't see the point in rushing there since there wasn't going to be a funeral, but I do want to go to Grammy's grave and say good-bye. Going back there without her waiting for me will be the hardest part. It would always be "home" with Grammy there and now...I feel like I'm going back to really say good-bye. Not just to her, but to "home"...to the me who (sort of) belonged there...to all the things from my past that I clung to. I think it's time to really move on with my life, as hard as that may be. In my heart, I feel like this will be the last time I go back and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I will miss it. I will miss it being "home". I will miss the sounds, the smells, the familiar roads, and some of the people. And who knows, maybe someday I will have a kid or two and I'll take them there and show them where I grew up.

10 Things I learned in my 20s

With the big 3-0 quickly approaching, I felt that this would be a good time to reflect on what I have learned over the last 10 years...some serious, some funny, and some I shake my head and say "I should have known that all along."

1. Older doesn't always mean smarter or wiser.
-I have met many people older than myself who have a serious lack of good judgment or lack of common sense.

2. No one has it "all figured out" by the time they're 30.
-Goals change. Motivations change. People change. We're all stumbling along day by day trying to get where we think we want to be only to find that the final destination keeps changing. Not that this is a bad thing, it keeps us striving to be better and to do more with our lives.

3. "Friends forever" can happen but it's incredibly rare.
-People come and go from our lives. Some stay longer than others. They all serve a purpose and lost friendships need to be mourned sometimes, but when it's time to move on...move on. And if you happen to find that one person who does stick around for life, don't take them for granted.

4. Pizza for breakfast after a certain age will only lead to a day of heartburn and gas.
-For me that magic number was 25.

5. Many things you wouldn't think of as heartburn inducing can and will give you heartburn as you get older.
-Chocolate, Orange Juice, Cinnamon, etc. are no longer my bffs.

6. It's a lot harder to drop a few pounds than it was at 20.
-Maybe that's just because I'm female or because I've always been a little chunky.

7. All children are loud, obnoxious, and annoying 75% of the time.
-I used to think it was only certain ones, but now every kid gets on my nerves sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't love them. It only means I can only take small doses. Maybe it's different when it's your own kid?

8. If you want true love, you have to let go of all the hurt from bad relationships in your past.
-A big part of why relationships that were promising in the beginning fail is because at least one person is still holding onto that old baggage. You can't treat every potential mate like the one who broke your heart and expect the relationship to last.

9. It's easier to live with regret for something you did, than to live with regret for something you were afraid to do.
-Having too many "what if" moments in your past will drive you insane. If you have the chance to try something new (and potentially rewarding) go for it. Take a few classes, start a new hobby, ask that person out...just do it!

10. Never grow up so much that you stop having fun.
-Life needs balance. Be serious when you have to, but have fun when you can. No one wants to be around someone who is too serious; they are crabby and depressing.