I think I'm just all hyped up because of the day. It's been a long one. I woke up too early. I got all philosophical after watching the inauguration and started making all these elaborate plans for how I'm going to change things for the better this year. Then I spent 6 hours working on psychology homework and drinking way too much coffee. I tried to go to sleep an hour ago. Couldn't. I tried reading in bed. Sometimes that makes it easier to fall asleep but not tonight. I thought having some tea might help so I'm awake sipping tea and writing while trying to ignore the slight panic attack symptoms that don't seem to be going away. It's a far cry from the full blown panic attacks I have been known to experience but it still sucks. It feels like my skeleton is trying to jump out of my skin. Not pleasant.
I'm attempting to make plans for a trip to see my family this summer. I want to go and yet I don't. Sometimes it's easier to love people from afar. You can ignore their faults when you're not confronted with them every day. But I do want to see my grandmother and my siblings and my little cousin. Plus the prospect of holding the three babies is enough to make me yearn to be "home". I miss being around little kids. By the time I get back there (if my plan goes as I hope) my nieces will be 10 months old and 2 years old and my little cousin will be 2 and 1/2. I haven't seen the older two since they were very little babies and I haven't seen my baby niece yet. I can't wait for all the little hugs and kisses. Little children have such a way of making you feel like you're important and loved.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
currently driving me crazy
My girlfriend and I have agreed to go to therapy together. I think it might help us communicate better but I'm really nervous. I don't want her to get upset and stay mad for days if I tell the truth about how I'm feeling about certain things. Our first appointment isn't for a few weeks so I have time to think it over and decide how much I want to reveal...but perhaps that isn't the best approach.
The holidays weren't too bad this year. It snowed a great deal which isn't normal for where I live but a white Christmas is always lovely. I was a bit lonely even though I was with my girlfriend and her sister. I missed my family and the big loud Christmases we used to have. New Year's was alright though. The two of us stayed home, played board games, got drunk, and then made love the rest of the night. We rarely get time to ourselves so we really took advantage of it.
So now on to what is driving me crazy. My girlfriend's sister is one thing. I've started refering to her as CJ (crazy Jackie). She's pre-menopausal and in denial about it. I'm not sure if it's just her or if all single women of that age act the same, but it's completely nutty. She's seeing someone who's married and she swears the husband is ok with it. (she's seeing his wife...obviously.) She can't say no to any of her friends when they ask her to do something. She said her sort-of-girlfriend's teenage troublemaking daughter could spend the night at our apartment without checking if it was ok with us. My girl has to get up at 3am to go to work which means she needs to get to sleep early most nights. There is no way a teenager is going to respect that and be quiet. Plus I will end up entertaining the kid and trying to keep her out of trouble because Jackie doesn't really want her here, she just said yes to her mother because she wants to keep her happy. The kid is known to get drunk and violent. I have to hide all the alcohol and hope she won't find it.
What else is driving me crazy? My little sister apparently thinks she's pregnant again. She had a miscarriage a year ago. She's only 19 and she's with a man who is not good enough for her in my opinion. He's too immature to be a father and he doesn't work so how on earth can he support her and a kid? I don't think she realizes how expensive kids are and I don't think she realizes how hard it is to raise a kid either. But if she's pregnant, she'll find out soon enough. I just wish she would think about things a little more before she does them. I hate that she's tying herself down to a guy and a kid at such a young age without really ever experiencing the world...all because she feels like that's the best she can do.
Also driving me crazy...the fact that I haven't had much contact with my siblings over the last few months. They only get ahold of me when they need something. Why can't they just call to say hello?
The holidays weren't too bad this year. It snowed a great deal which isn't normal for where I live but a white Christmas is always lovely. I was a bit lonely even though I was with my girlfriend and her sister. I missed my family and the big loud Christmases we used to have. New Year's was alright though. The two of us stayed home, played board games, got drunk, and then made love the rest of the night. We rarely get time to ourselves so we really took advantage of it.
So now on to what is driving me crazy. My girlfriend's sister is one thing. I've started refering to her as CJ (crazy Jackie). She's pre-menopausal and in denial about it. I'm not sure if it's just her or if all single women of that age act the same, but it's completely nutty. She's seeing someone who's married and she swears the husband is ok with it. (she's seeing his wife...obviously.) She can't say no to any of her friends when they ask her to do something. She said her sort-of-girlfriend's teenage troublemaking daughter could spend the night at our apartment without checking if it was ok with us. My girl has to get up at 3am to go to work which means she needs to get to sleep early most nights. There is no way a teenager is going to respect that and be quiet. Plus I will end up entertaining the kid and trying to keep her out of trouble because Jackie doesn't really want her here, she just said yes to her mother because she wants to keep her happy. The kid is known to get drunk and violent. I have to hide all the alcohol and hope she won't find it.
What else is driving me crazy? My little sister apparently thinks she's pregnant again. She had a miscarriage a year ago. She's only 19 and she's with a man who is not good enough for her in my opinion. He's too immature to be a father and he doesn't work so how on earth can he support her and a kid? I don't think she realizes how expensive kids are and I don't think she realizes how hard it is to raise a kid either. But if she's pregnant, she'll find out soon enough. I just wish she would think about things a little more before she does them. I hate that she's tying herself down to a guy and a kid at such a young age without really ever experiencing the world...all because she feels like that's the best she can do.
Also driving me crazy...the fact that I haven't had much contact with my siblings over the last few months. They only get ahold of me when they need something. Why can't they just call to say hello?
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