preparing for the new year

As 2010 comes to a close, it's time to reflect and make plans for 2011. This year has had it's ups and downs, like most years do. I got to visit my family over the summer. It was good too see them. I spent months doing research on my family history and learned some interesting things, but still (frustratingly) cannot find much information about my grandmother's grandfather. I started college. That was huge! I love it even if it does stress me out. That's the one thing I'm really proud of that I did this year. And I got A's in all 4 of my first term classes! I lost 14 pounds this year, too! It took me 10 months and I'm not happy about that, but I'm glad I lost some weight.

So what do I want for 2011? Here's a list of my goals for the year.

1. Lose more weight. (I have a lot more to go.)

2. Keep my GPA up. (I would love to keep a 4.0 but my goal is to keep it at 3.5 or above.)

3. Brush up on my French. (I want to be fluent or at least be able to pass the language proficiency test so I don't have to take more classes later. I found out that www.livemocha.com is a free website for learning languages.)

4. Spend more time with my girlfriend. (We have a list of places we want to go and things we want to do; I want to cross some things off that list this year.)

5. Move into our own place. (Living here is getting too stressful for both of us. It's time to move on.)

6. Get pregnant. (*sigh* I don't know if it will happen, but I still want it to.)

Happy New Year!

Christmas

I'm not feeling all that into Christmas this year. I usually get really excited about it. Not this year. I let Al decorate the tree and hang the stockings. I bought presents and wrapped them, because I had to. But I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow morning. I just doesn't feel like Christmas this year and I don't know why. So I'm planning to just drink and drink some more and hope that "spirits" help get me in the spirit. Plus, I've always wanted to experiment and see how much you had to drink before you forgot the alphabet.

stupid arguments have simple solutions

It's normal to have arguments in relationships. No two people can possibly agree on absolutely everything. How you deal with those arguments determines whether or not the relationship is healthy. I learned all that in Human Relations. So is my relationship healthy? I'm not sure. We tend to argue frequently...mostly over stupid things. I thought maybe I could find a way to prevent those stupid little arguments. I thought if I was more specific when I told her something and if I asked for clarification when I didn't understand what she was saying, it would prevent misunderstandings. Seems simple doesn't it? Did it work? Not really. Take today for example, neither of us felt like making lunch so we decided we should go get something. Being low on money, tacos seemed like a good idea. You can get 10 tacos for $10 at Taco Bell. She said she would go pick them up. She asked me before she left if there was anything else I wanted. I said, "No, just the 10 tacos." She came back with 5 tacos and 5 bean burritos. I was frustrated. I was clear about what I wanted her to get. I said it twice! And still she somehow misunderstood. She said she thought I was talking about meal #10 and forgot that I didn't like bean burritos. I don't get her thinking. All this time I've been assuming that our misunderstandings were because I wasn't being specific enough, but I think this proves that she just doesn't listen to me. So why do I waste my breath? I could just do everything myself from now on. I mean, I can't force her to listen to me or understand me. So why bother? It's just freaking frustrating. She can remember some stupid little thing I said one time 3 years ago and she certainly remembers every single time I said she didn't do something right, but she can't remember what I asked her to get for the 10 minutes it takes to get to Taco Bell? Sometimes I think she does hear me and knows perfectly well what I'm saying, but she just doesn't care because she thinks she knows me better than I know myself. It would not surprise me one bit if she got half burritos on purpose thinking it would be a great surprise that I would love and thank her for anticipating my needs. She gets off on that kind of bent sometimes. She ignores what I say I want and proceeds to give me what she thinks I really want. I'm not that complicated. If I want something I ask for it. She doesn't need to guess. Maybe she just thinks that's how relationships work. She does seem to get frustrated with me if I ask her to be specific about what she wants. It's like she expects me to just know and surprise her. I have no idea how to do that. I don't even know if it's possible. And I'm talking about every aspect of the relationship, not just about buying things for each other. Like I'm supposed to know when she wants a hug. How do I guess that? If she was walking up to me holding her arms out, I could guess. But how to you guess someone is wanting a hug when they're sitting at a computer or watching tv? I'm not nuts to think that's a crazy thing to expect am I?

Strange week. glad it's over

I've been feeling crappy all week. Fevers off and on. Headaches. Exhaustion. I think it's because of the weather and my anxiety over this term ending. Trying to squeeze all this stuff into the last few weeks is wearing on me. This weekend I have been studying for my math final and trying to finish up all my Psych homework. We had 2 worksheets, 2 portfolio assignments, and 3 chapters to read and study before the test next week. I'm overwhelmed.

A few days ago ThugBoy told me his girlfriend broke up with him and he was really upset, but he was going to let her keep living with him because she had nowhere else to go. Then he texted me yesterday and told me that he's moving back to his dad's house so he can save money to come here and live with me for a while. Then he texted me this morning and said he only wants to come for a couple of weeks to visit. I don't know what to think. I think the kid is really confused and needs some time away to get himself together.

My other brother (the one with the crazy wife) called and left a message on my voicemail the other day saying that he was going to admit himself to the psych ward again, but then called back later and said they aren't keeping him. I guess his wife is making his life hell again. She gets her knickers in a twist every few months and decides that he's not good enough for her (even though he does virtually everything for her and treats her like a princess) and she starts seeing someone else. I feel bad for him, but I tried to tell him that marrying her was a mistake and he is the one who is choosing to stay with her. He could get a good job and his own place and be free of her...except for dealing with her when it comes to the kids. He just says he loves her too much and takes her crap, no matter how badly she treats him.

Ok, confession time...kinda. I have a little crush on my writing teacher. It's nuts. I'm happy in my relationship. I would never even think of cheating. But I can't help being attracted to her. I don't even know why I feel this way! I even dreamed about her a couple of times. Not sexual dreams, but in the first one I dreamed that we were sitting in the woods talking about books and in the other we were at the beach and she was teaching me to surf. I'm kind of glad the class is over and I won't see her anymore. Maybe the crush will go away now.

stupid people, crazy weather, and school

I'm really pissed off at some people (mostly girls) in my math class. They talk all through class...loudly. They were told to be quiet before and moved away from each other, but somehow they have ended up back together and talking again. The professor has stopped saying anything to them. I feel like they're being extremely rude. If they don't care about the class, then they should leave. Because of their talking I'm missing important details of how to do these problems. I wanna Gibbs' slap them all!

There's this other girl in that class that I feel should get an F. She came to the first 3 classes and then disappeared. I assumed she dropped the class. But no, she showed up today after a month and a half of missing classes. She boohooed to the teacher about having 2 jobs and the teacher actually told her that as long as she took the 3 tests she missed before December 12th, she will pass. WTFH? This is college not high school, if you don't come to class for that long, you should fail.

And now the weather. Yesterday it snowed. It hardly ever snows in Portland and never this early in the year. It wasn't a lot of snow really and it all melted, but still it was weird. And then today, it was windy as hell and raining. It was as cold as Frosty the Snowman's balls out there! The wind cut right through all 4 layers of clothes I was wearing. In spite of feeling like a big dork, I wore a scarf and gloves to class today...and I'm glad I did! It's supposed to be even colder and icier tomorrow. Joy oh joy.

There are only a few weeks of school left. I'm excited for this term to be over! I'm not worried at all about passing my Psych class. I know my grades are good. I'm a little worried about the math final. I learned so much that I didn't know before, but it's a lot to have to remember. I'm going to be studying like crazy over Thanksgiving weekend. My writing class, I don't know what to think about. We have only 1 big paper left and I've been working on it. It's worth 30% of our grade so it could really go either way. I have a B so far and I'm hoping to keep it.

I signed up for next term's classes on Friday. I'll be taking Psych 201, Writing 122, Math 65, and a class that's supposed to help with test anxiety. I'm excited about the psych class. The math is more algebra, so I'm a little worried about it. I'm dreading the writing class. I only decided to go ahead and take it so I could get it over with. It's the last writing class I'm required to take. The only bad thing about getting it out of the way is that starting in Spring term, I'll have to take science classes: Chemistry, Biology, Anthropology, and Environmental Science. I have to take them all at some point in the next 2 years. And I think 2 of them have to have labs to count toward my degree. (Sarcastic) Yipee!

craaaap

Out of nowhere my writing professor tells us we have to have one-on-one conferences about our final papers. I so don't want to do that. I mean, handing in a paper and having it graded is one thing, but sitting there having your teacher pick apart your essay in front of you is seriously another thing altogether. I'm not good with that kind of thing. I'm sensitive about what I write. And having to discuss things with teachers ties my stomach in knots and makes me feel like I'm going to puke.

more random rambling

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. My final paper for writing class kept popping into my mind. I thought I was going to write about one thing and then when I did a little research, I couldn't find enough sources to back up my idea. I was awake thinking about it last night and I think I hit on a better idea. I think I'm going to write about obedience and authority. Not quite sure how I'm going to connect that to one of the writers we read, but I have a clear idea of what I want to write at least. This paper is going to take a lot of work. It's longer than the others I had to write. We have to include 2 outside sources, in addition to connecting the idea to one of the writers we read. (I'm thinking I'll use either Levi-Strauss or Thoreau.) I'm thinking I can use Philip Zimbardo (learned about him in Psychology) as one of my outside sources, but I need to find another. I've tried outlining this essay and it's impossible! Outlines don't really work for me. I have to just write and see where it goes and then go back and fix it when I'm done. I can totally see 20 drafts of this paper in my future. Thank goodness we have almost a month to write it.

The gf and I are both battling colds. Everyone seems to be getting sick. I expected to catch something because the "kids" I sit in class with all day are nasty. They don't cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze and I have seen more than one of them either picking their nose in class or wiping their nose on their sleeve. Gross! I didn't expect the gf to get sick though. She hardly ever gets sick. She insists that she didn't catch it from me because her symptoms aren't exactly what mine were, but I don't believe it. She must be really run down though to get sick. That makes me worry a little. She could really use some time off work to relax. That place is insane. Speaking of the evil place...she found out a few days ago that she won't have any choice anymore in what days she has off. This coming after fighting with her boss about not getting the day off that she was requesting anyway. Now his boss is saying that shifts can't submit availability forms anymore. It looks like after the holiday she will have Sundays and Mondays off. That really sucks. We won't be able to do much together. Sundays CJ will be home and Mondays I have classes. I really hate how everything is affecting our relationship. We're both always tired because of work and school. There's so much tension and walking on egg shells and crap with CJ that it's nearly impossible to relax at home. We haven't shared a bed in months. We've become more like roommates than a couple and I hate it. The only reason I'm not freaking out more is because I'm trying to keep my mind focused on what we need to do to move into our own place. It's hard though. Some days I really miss the way we used to be and it feels like we'll never get it back.

Random thoughts

I'm sitting in the library on campus, ignoring my homework because I have a long weekend coming up and I will need something to do then. And I'm thinking. I'm always thinking and sometimes it gets me into trouble. This thinking was more about what's going on with me than anything that could potentially get me into trouble. I was wondering why it is that I don't feel motivated to write as often as I used to. When I was severely depressed I wrote for hours at a time. Now that I'm more content, have I nothing to say? I suppose I could blame it on how little time I seem to have, but that's not accurate either. I do have free time when my homework is finished. I could write, but instead I find myself playing games online or staring blankly at Facebook. Such a waste of time. I felt like writing this morning. That old itch was there. The one that will only be satisfied when there's a pen in my hand. I didn't listen to it. I suppose that's why I am writing this now. The click of the keys isn't as satisfying as scribbling words into a notebook, but it alleviates the anxious "I-Must-Write" feeling a little.

I know these urges to write come from some desperate part of my soul which believes we are a writer. Instead I choose to study psychology. I think I'd be happy studying Literature just as well, but the choice is mostly about money and sanity. Not that I can make more money as a therapist, but what I make will be more consistent. I have had enough inconsistency in my life. I want a steady job with regular pay so at the end of the day I can relax knowing my bills are paid and I will still have a home tomorrow. And sanity, well I never have enough of that! I chose psychology over becoming a professional writer because writing is a solitary pursuit. Interactions with other human's is minimal for the writer. I have enjoyed the solitude of my mind, but I want to help others in a more tangible way.

What does it all mean? I'm not sure. I know in my heart, I still want to write. At the same time, I'm passionate about psychology. *sigh* I just hope I don't end up writing 50 self-help books that no one reads! *grin*

15 Authors

The Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen authors (poets included) who've influenced you and that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

1. Ayn Rand




2. Virginia Woolf




3. Ralph Waldo Emmerson




4. Walt Whitman




5. Emily Dickinson




6. Edna St. Vincent Millay




7. Marion Zimmer Bradley




8. Maya Angelou




9. Leo Tolstoy




10. Jane Austin




11. Sylvia Plath




12. George Orwell




13. Harper Lee




14. Fannie Flagg




15. Mark Twain

rant about a class and homework

I absolutely hate the College Survival class I'm taking. It's something the school pushes you to take because it's supposed to help you build skills to be a better student. I thought that sounded like a good thing and the class was only a month long, so I signed up. If I had known what it would be like, I never would have registered to take it.

First of all, the teacher is ridiculous. She forgets really important things, lost my homework once, and grades in a way that I don't understand. (Maybe I should have asked for the pass/no pass option instead of a letter grade?) She requires us to email most of our weekly assignments to her. That's how she lost my homework. I have to do the work over the weekend because I have so much other work to do during the week. I emailed the assignment on Sunday even though it wasn't due until Thursday morning. I got an email from her a week later when I sent the next assignment telling me that it wasn't too late to submit the homework from the week before. I emailed back reminding her that I had sent that assignment and after a few emails, she admitted she had lost it and apologized. But when I went to class last Friday, she told me I was in danger of failing the class and showed me my grades. She had given me a 0 on the assignment she lost and never corrected it despite telling me she would! Also, she canceled class one Friday and then gave everyone a 0 for attendance for that day. What the hell is up with that? And why are we being graded for attendance anyway? She is the only teacher I know of that actually grades so that you are punished if you miss a class. There are so few points anyway that missing one day will lower your grade an entire letter! It's unfair! I was pissed, but the silver lining was the class would be over on the 22nd. Well, last Friday she informs the class that we have 2 assignments that are due after class ends. What the fuck? One assignment is a "graduation plan" and not only do you have to search through the college catalog and plan every class for the next 2 years, you also have to make an appointment and have an adviser sign off on it. So I have to find time in the next 2 weeks (with finals coming up) to meet with an adviser. The second assignment is some paper she wants us to write, but she hasn't given us any info about it yet. The whole situation makes me want to scream.

And what have I learned from this class? Nothing I couldn't find on the school's website. I just don't see the point.

Essay for Writing Class

Thought maybe I'd post the essay I wrote and just see what people think. Maybe you don't agree with the point, but that's not what concerns me. I would appreciate feedback on how well the paragraphs flow together and if the essay is clearly understandable. Maybe what part you think needs work?
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Your Parents – The Shadow Makers

Half of everything your parents told you is a lie. Did those lies hurt you? Did you know they were lies? Parents are, to their children, the shadow makers Plato describes in The Allegory of the Cave. The shadow makers work behind the scenes, carrying objects back and forth in front of a fire. The shadows thrown on the wall of the cave as a result is the only reality the prisoners know.

As a very young child you were a prisoner, held captive by the values your family chained you down with. Your parents decided how you should behave, what you should know, and what you should believe. Your only view of life was what your parents chose to tell you. This idea is suggested by Plato. “The truth would be literally nothing but shadows of the images (Plato 450)”. It was the same for you. Unable to see anything else, you took your parents stories for truth. You were happy in your cave, trusting the reality your parents fed you.

One of the big lies parents tell their children is the myth of Santa Claus. You are regaled with stories from infancy of a jolly fat man in a red suit who lives at the North Pole. All year long, Santa and his team of vertically-challenged North Pole citizens, whom are referred to as “Elves”, prepare for Christmas Eve by making toys. Ponderously, these same toys seem to be available at every toy store. This man, this Santa Claus, we learn is magical. He knows if we’ve been bad or good. Good little children get toys and bad little children get lumps of coal. So you must be sure to be on your best behavior - at least from Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve when your parents are reminding you every five seconds that Santa is watching you. He even knows if we’re sleeping or not. (How does that little bit of the story not frighten more kids into hating Christmas?) On Christmas Eve, the man in the red suit loads all the toys into a big sled pulled by nine reindeer, one of whom as a big glowing red nose that acts as a fog lamp, and flies off to deliver joy and happiness to all the children of the world. Forget for a moment that we’re supposed to believe somehow reindeer can fly, we’re supposed to accept that Santa can magically squeeze himself and a giant bag of toys down thousands of chimneys without getting stuck? At least this myth has some understandable value. It teaches you about having faith in something, or at the very least it gives your parents a rest from all the fighting for a few weeks while you’re trying your best to make up for all the bad things you did that year in the hopes of getting a new bike.

The story of the Easter Bunny makes no sense at all. First of all, Easter is a Christian holiday celebrating the day Jesus was resurrected after his crucifixion. Did someone decide all the talk of death was too scary for the little kiddies and try to come up with something less frightening? Yeah, a six foot rabbit is a lot less frightening than dying and coming back to life! What does Mr. Bunny do on Easter? He brings you a basket filled with candy and leaves brightly colored eggs hidden in your yard. There is no obvious connection between the Christian story and the Easter Bunny story. What do dyed eggs have to do with Jesus? (Except for the fact that Jesus died and the eggs are dyed.)

If you think the Easter Bunny myth is conflicting and Santa is a little scary, consider the Tooth Fairy for a moment. Picture this, you’re about five years old and you have a loose tooth. You show it to your mom and what does she tell you? Put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy will come when you’re asleep and give you money for it. We’re supposed to believe that somewhere out there is a little winged fairy so obsessed with teeth that she’s compelled to slip into children’s bedrooms while they’re asleep and trade cash for their little incisors and bicuspids. What does she do with all those teeth? We’re never given a satisfactory answer to that question. Maybe where she comes from teeth are currency. Maybe she builds her house out of teeth. Maybe she doesn’t take the teeth at all, but magically turns them into quarters. No wonder this is one of the shortest believed lies parents tell their kids.

As you get older, the truth comes out. You start asking too many questions and your parents decide it’s time to tell you the truth or they just get tired of keeping the myth alive or some mean kid at school tells you the truth because he thinks you’re stupid for still believing at twelve years old. However you find out, the result is the same. First there is denial. You want to keep on believing. Perhaps, you aren’t sure which version of reality the lie is. The reaction to this kind of sudden appearance of truth is described by Plato. “Forced into the presence of the sun…his eyes will be dazzled, and he will not be able to see anything at all of what are now called realities (Plato 451)”. The sudden shock of light makes reality confusing and blurred. It’s painful and you want to turn away.

Then the denial wears away. Oh the horror! Your little world comes crashing down around your sobbing little head. How could mommy and daddy have lied to you? You start wondering what else they lied to you about. After all, if they lied to you about such huge pieces of your childhood, they could be lying to you about other things. Did your mom really like that poem you wrote? Did your dad really love that tie you bought him for Father’s Day? Do they really think you can do anything? Do they believe you’re smart? Do they see you as pretty or handsome? Possibly you start to question if you can trust your parents at all. Have they ever told you the complete truth about anything?

Is there any harm done when a parent lies to their child? Last year, a psychological study was conducted which showed that when parents lied to their children, it did cause harm. In this study, Dr. Gail Heyman asserts that parents who lie to their children “have created a good deal of confusion about right and wrong and—maybe worse—undermined the child’s trust (369)”. Not only does a parent’s lie possibly cause a breach of trust, it confounds a child’s understanding about right and wrong.

We do have voicemail

I'm having to spend my entire weekend working on homework. I managed to finish writing my paper for Psychology yesterday. Today I spent most of the day working on my Proposal and Essay for Writing. The proposal I'm happy with. The essay needs a lot of work. I hate the conclusion I wrote. Maybe when I have some time to think about it and go back to it, I can think of a better way to write it. By the time I got to that part today, I was just too exhausted to think clearly. I also worked on this stupid Time Management Assignment we have to do for College Survival. I bullshitted the whole thing because I am not going to waste my time jotting down every single thing I do all week and how long it took me to do it. It's pointless. I don't need to do that to know how to manage my time. Obviously I know what my priorities are if I'm spending an entire weekend working on homework! Tomorrow I have to do 2 more assignments for College Survival and work on my essay some more.

I'm pissed off at CJ again today. She has this weird thing where she thinks she has to answer the phone if it rings. If she's in the room, she will run and grab the phone before the second ring. She has even answered my cell phone a couple of times when I left it laying on the table! That is not ok! It is my personal cell phone, not a house phone. So today, I talked to my brother once. I told him when I hung up that I was going to be working on my paper. I thought he would get that I meant not to disturb me so I didn't bother to turn the ringer off on the phone. Lo and behold the minute I run to the bathroom, the phone rings. Immediately I hear CJ answer it. So I was forced to have a second annoying convo with my brother because she can't let the damn voicemail pick up. We have had conversations before about this. 1st of all no one calls her on the home phone...ever. Everyone she knows calls her cell. So why the hell is she worried about answering the phone anyway. 2nd, I told her before that if it isn't someone in her family, don't answer. We get stupid telemarketing calls all the time and there is no point in answering them. And I would rather let the voicemail catch the calls from people in my family if I'm not home or can't get to the phone so I will actually know that they called and why. CJ isn't real reliable about giving you messages. 3rd, she has said some pretty disrespectful things about some people in my family so I don't want her talking to them. Period. I don't want her pissing off someone and then having to deal with it when I call them back. 4th, If I don't feel like talking to someone I think I should have the option of not answering and not being forced to talk to them because someone else answered.

It's going to be a crappy week

It's almost 7am and I have to catch the bus at 8. I feel like crap. I caught a cold, but that's only part of why I feel like crap. CJ kept me awake until almost midnight. She knows I have been sleeping on the couch and she knew I had to get up early, but she stayed up and made a lot of noise. I'm getting so frustrated. I really wish we could move tomorrow. I have a quiz today in WR121 and I'm not prepared. I just hope that I'm awake enough to study between my Psy class and that class so I don't fail. Tomorrow I have my first big Math test. I'm not looking forward to that either. Hopefully I will be able to get more sleep tonight than I did last night. There is no way I can concentrate on math if I'm sleepy and grumpy. This week cannot be over fast enough.

Need a title for my essay

I need a title for my essay. Help????

Like nearly every other night in the last six months, my dad stubbornly set his jaw and shoved the plate of food I had given him back at me. Once again he was refusing to eat a meal I had prepared to the specifications of the diet his doctor prescribed. There was nothing wrong with the steamed rice and vegetables, but the bull-headed old man wanted greasy fried chicken and mashed potatoes. My blood began to boil and I pushed the plate back at him. Sixty-eight years old or not, he was going to listen to his doctor eat what I cooked whether he liked it or not. The diet was important because of his heart condition and diabetes. He needed to watch his cholesterol and sodium. We stared spitefully at each other for a moment. Again the plate was pushed away, as anger flashed in my father’s eyes and he stated matter-of-factly that he was not going to eat that. My frustration had reached its peak. I’d had enough of all the fighting. If he wanted to eat crap, there wasn’t much that could be done about it. After our stand-off I wasn’t sure what to expect. The next day, much to my surprise, Dad requested a salad for lunch. This taught me an important concept that Lao Tzu mentions in his writings, “Practice not-doing and everything will fall into place.” (24) Once I stopped trying to control the details, the desired outcome happened on its own.
When speaking to his disciples, Jesus said, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life…do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.” (New International Bible, Matthew 6.21, 34) This is basically the same thing Lao Tzu talks about. Worrying about how to make something happen isn’t going to change the result. At the end of the day, what is meant to happen will happen. There’s no sense fighting it. While my intention may have been to take care of my father and to give him a better quality of life, taking away his right to make decisions for himself actually lessened his quality of life. The only result that came from trying to force my will upon him was frustration on both our parts. He was frustrated at being treated like a child and I was frustrated at his refusal to do what I thought was best. Once I gave up control and his freedom was restored, he decided to do the right thing anyway.
Lao Tzu’s philosophy of not forcing things to happen the way you want, but letting them happen naturally is a better way to deal with life. If you try to go against the natural order of things you will find yourself struggling. It’s easier to allow events to take their own course and learn to go with the flow.


You can review it if you want. I know it's not my best work. But I would appreciate help coming up with a title.

Math gives me headaches

Today was kind of a crappy day. First of all, we had a lockdown drill right when my math class started. It's basically a rundown of what to do if there is an emergency (like a shooter) on campus. I understand the need to do the drill, but holy crap. The combination of the flashing lights and the loud alarm had my head starting to ache within a minute. By the end of class, I had a migraine. Part of the problem is that my teacher uses an old school projector and plastic sheets of notes. I don't know if the image is projected smaller than it was when I was in high school, but it seems like it...or maybe my teacher just doesn't know how to adjust it right. And of course I sit in the back of the class, at the request of the teacher. (She wanted the taller people seated toward the back so everyone should be able to see the board.) I haven't been able to get my new glasses yet, so I spend the entire class squinting trying to figure out what the hell those sheets say. Needless to say, this leads to headaches. By the end of class today, I was having to copy the notes of the girl next to me and hope she was taking all the notes. I really need to make an appointment to get my glasses.

On the plus side, I spend my 10 minute bus ride playing peek-a-boo with the cutest baby. Her mother was really young and she was texting the whole time and ignoring the kid. The baby kept looking at me, so I smiled at her and she laughed. So I played peek-a-boo with her. I don't know if her mom didn't care or didn't notice, but either way it was a nice bus ride for me and the baby!

funny things to read

FAILBOOK


LAMEBOOK


CRACKED


FUNNY OR DIE

College

I am officially a college student! This past week was my first week of classes. Unless you know me really well, you have no idea what a struggle it was for me to get here. I can honestly say I'm proud of myself for going through with this. I didn't freak out and not go to class. I didn't see the amount of work involved and run away screaming. Well, that almost happened with my writing class, but I thought about it and I want to conquer it. I don't want to be afraid of something new just because it's hard. I CAN do this.

First the best parts of the week...

I absolutely love my psychology class. I was a little nervous at first because my professor announced that class participation is a big part of our grade. I'm really shy so I was afraid I wouldn't be able to raise my hand and speak up. But I took a deep breath and did it. And once I had done it, it was easier to do it again. I find that my classmates are far less judgmental than the kids I knew in high school were. I'm excited to go to class. I haven't been able to say that since elementary school! My professor is really cool. You can tell she really loves teaching and exchanging ideas. And She wrote the text book we're using in class.

My math class is not horrible. It's math, so it's not going to be my favorite subject, but at least so far I'm understanding everything. Partly due to the fact that my professor explains things really well and doesn't go too quickly. I really appreciate that.

I met some really nice people in my classes due to the "we're going to force you to do class participation if you want to pass" thing that all my professors are doing. I didn't get lost once this week and taking the bus isn't as terrible as I imagined it would be.


Now the not so good things...

I don't like my writing class. It's really difficult and I have to write essays in a form I've never used before and I'm not 100% sure exactly what the professor is looking for in the essays. I do like the professor though. She's funny and she seems nice.

My college survival class is a pain in the ass. It seems like it will be a great way to find out about what resources are available to students, but the professor assigns too much homework. I only have the class once a week and I swear she thinks I have no life outside of school, because she assigned so much homework that I'm having to work on it all weekend. Total bummer.

Speaking of homework...that's the other bad thing. There's just too much of it. I spend about 23 hours a week in class. I spend another 35 - 45 hours on homework! I honestly do not know how some people do it. I know people who work, go to school, and have a family. I don't think I could do that. I would fail every class.



The bad stuff aside, I'm excited about going to school and finally reaching for my goal. I even have a specific goal in mind now! I want to transfer to PSU as a Junior and get my Bachelor's in Psychology. Then I want to continue on to get my Master's in Counseling Psychology. After that I want to attempt to get a PsyD and practice as a Marriage and Family Counselor. That's a big goal, but if it gets to be too much I can always switch my master's to Social Work and work in that area. I just really want to do something to help people and I like Psychology.

living with being bipolar

Lately I've been thinking that living with Bipolar Disorder without medication isn't working really well for me anymore. Is it possible for it to get worse over time? I used to think I was managing pretty well without meds. Now I'm not so sure. It feels like I'm losing control and I feel like it's starting to affect me in negative ways. I hate being bipolar. It seriously sucks. I can't control the swings in mood. I rapid cycle most of the time, which means I can be severely depressed when I wake up and by lunch I'm manic. I get irritated too easily lately and little annoyances become rage in an instant. That's not normal for me. I can't talk about this with anyone because it makes me sound freaking nuts. I don't even know how to describe what's going on in my head. One minute I feel like I can conquer the world and the next I'm filled with doubts and can't make decisions about simple things. The worst part about these things happening now is that it's starting to hurt my relationship with my girlfriend. I'm afraid to talk to her about what's going on with me because I don't want her to be worried about me. I don't want her to be disappointed with me either and she's always said she was proud of me for how well I managed my illness without meds. I hate the meds. I really do. I hate the way they sap all emotion out of me and make me feel like I'm walking around in some kind of hazy dream. If that's how normal people feel all the time, I don't know how they stand it! I just don't know how to deal with everything anymore. Nothing seems to make sense. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep normally. I drive myself crazy second guessing every choice I make. I can't deal with the annoying little every day things that happen. I am literally freaking out (at least in my head) a dozen times a day. I'm starting to get panicky about being alone. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything. Ugh, the more I write the more I know I really should go back to therapy and get the meds. Thing is, there's more to consider than just how I feel about all of this. I'm not sure we can afford the therapy or that I have time to commit to it because of school. And as I said, I hate the meds. I know me and I will take them for a little while and then I'll get sick of how dull I feel and I'll stop taking it. I just wish I knew someone else I could talk to who is bipolar and understands and can give me advice. Maybe if I could just talk it out, it wouldn't feel like it's crushing me.

Going insane

I seriously can't take this crap anymore. I think there's some kind of weird conspiracy between CJ and the dog to make me insane. I know that sounds crazy, but I swear that's what's going down. I can't sleep in our bedroom because the dog is driving me nuts. We do everything possible to keep him from scratching the hell out of himself but it's not working. Every 5 minutes, all night long, he gets up and scratches himself until he's whining because it hurts. Oh and of course he's also kicking the plastic cone he has on which makes a lot of noise. The GF can sleep through it, but I can't! And I'm not allowed to put him out of the bedroom. Heaven forbid he might whine at the door for a few minutes. She can't take that. So I have no choice but leave the bedroom. Only problem with that is, where am I supposed to go?! CJ is in the living room sleeping every single night even though she made a huge deal about needing to have the bigger bedroom back because she was ONLY sleeping in the living room because she couldn't stand being in the small room. So where am I supposed to sleep? The bathtub? The treadmill in the dining room? The kitchen floor? The car?

I don't freaking know anymore. I think this is all some half-conscious attempt by CJ to break me and the GF up. Or maybe she's just really that selfish and doesn't care about how anyone else feels. All I know is I need to get some freaking sleep before I go completely nuts.

people suck and money should grow on trees

I've been battling severe depression for weeks. All I want to do most days is sleep, but of course I can't because insomnia is always part of my depression. I'm so annoyed with myself for being so moody. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. And I definitely cannot deal with the amount of anger I am experiencing.

Things have been happening around here that piss me off. Ever since CJ got back from Iraq, I have been tiptoeing around trying not to be in her way or upset her. She unfortunately hasn't been very considerate towards me or her sister. At first it was just little things and we tried to let them slide. Over time, it really started to bug me. She just takes over everything! She lays down on the couch so no one else can sit there, which means I can't sit beside my girlfriend unless we sit on the floor. She always has control of the remote, so if we want to watch something on tv we have to ask her permission. And if we are watching something and she comes home, she will be obnoxious until we give over control of the tv so she can watch her "shows". She eats whatever she feels like eating and never buys anything for the house except junk food for herself. She wasn't even buying cat litter for her own cats until we stopped buying it and she was forced to because the stench of the litter box was unbearable.

Not to mention that she always sleeps on the couch. Which means if I have insomnia or nightmares, I am forced to remain in our bedroom so I don't disturb her sleep. I didn't like it but I was dealing with it because we had the larger of the two bedrooms and I could sit on the floor with my laptop or read without disturbing my girlfriend. (The switching of the bedrooms to give us the larger one was something CJ agreed to before she left for Iraq.) A while ago, CJ asked about switching the bedrooms back so she could have the larger one. I explained to her that it didn't make sense for her to have the large bedroom and force 2 people to share the smaller one. She dropped it at the time, but she didn't forget it. Last week on the first of my girlfriends 2 days off (at 7am no less) CJ threw a tantrum. No kidding, a real bratty teenager tantrum! She demanded that we give her "her room" back. She told some bullshit story about how she tried to sleep in the bedroom but she couldn't because it was just too small. (I know it was all bullshit to get us to do what she wanted because when we went in there to pack up her shit the bed was still made and there was a giant pile of clothes on it that had been there for a month. Can't very well sleep in a bed like that.) My girlfriend and I talked it over that morning and just decided to switch the rooms and let the drama queen have what she wanted so we didn't have to listen to it anymore. A couple of hours after we started packing things up, we get a text from CJ saying "oh well you don't have to switch the rooms right now but I want my room back by Sunday." WTF??? Not only is she giving us orders, but she's giving us deadlines?! I was beyond pissed. I am not her child. I am not her employee. And there is no reason to treat us with such disrespect. That's what bothers me most about this situation. She's so selfish and inconsiderate that she thinks it's ok to treat people like dirt to get what she wants. We are hoping we can move out of here in a few months and then CJ can have all the space she wants. And good luck to her because I know that with the way she is with money she's going to be up shit creek without a paddle when we're gone.

Wow, I didn't realize I was still that angry.

We found a couple of apartments that we might be able to afford. We're on a waiting list for one complex. The other complex has a 1 bedroom coming open October 1st, but I just don't know if we can get together the money to pay the security deposit, pet deposit, fees, and first months rent before that date. I really wish I knew someone who could lend me $1500.

damn

Two tests. Both negative.

latest development

I started cramping and spotting yesterday. I know it doesn't mean that I'm absolutely not pregnant, but it still drained a little hope from me. I was awake half the night trying to ease the cramps and crying off and on. I want so badly to be pregnant, I don't know if I can face it not happening. We're supposed to do the pregnancy test on Friday. I'm terrified to know one way or the other.

In other news. I register for my classes tomorrow morning. I've decided to take Psychology 101, Math 60 (Algebra), Writing 121 (English Composition), and a College Survival Class.

Secrets

I really hate keeping things a secret. Secrets are ok if it's about a surprise party or a gift for someone. Secrets are not ok when it comes to relationships with people you love. My GF keeps secrets. I have no clue what monumental secrets she might be keeping from me, but the secrets she's keeping from her family are driving me insane. Her father still does not know about me. We've been together for almost 5 years! I understand that it's not easy to come out to her dad, but how long is she going to keep this a secret? And that's not the only reason I'm upset about secrets. No one in her family is aware that we could be having a child. That wouldn't be a big deal, except that her sister shares the apartment with us. I think she should know. Plus why wouldn't we want to share this wonderful news with family? I don't get why she isn't ready to say anything to CJ. It's less than a week until the pregnancy test. I imagine that day is going to be really awkward. We have friends coming over to be here when we get the news. What is the GF going to do about CJ? Just throw it out there at the last minute? I don't think that's fair. But I don't know what to do.

Wow, I need to update this more often

Everything has been so busy for the last few months that I haven't thought about writing. So much has happened.

First of all, we found a donor and I have been inseminated. I still have to wait 12 days until I can find out if it worked or not. I'm trying to not get too excited but I can't help it! It just hits me at random moments and I think "I could be pregnant right now!" It's nice to have good "holy shit!" moments for once! I just wish it was all out in the open so I could talk about it. But we haven't told CJ yet or any of the GF's family for that matter. We had agreed to not tell anyone until after the insemination but now the GF is just too freaked out to tell her family. I'm waiting as patiently as I can but I don't know how much longer I can keep from blurting it out.

Secondly, I'm about 90% ready to start school this fall. I have to meet with an adviser sometime in the upcoming week so I know what classes to sign up for, and then on the 29th I register for classes. Then it's just a matter of waiting for the financial aid reward to come in and getting my books. I can't wait!

Third, we've started planning and saving up for our own apartment. It's been a long time coming and I cannot wait to get our own place. When CJ was gone, this place was ours and I liked the day to day of us. I think it's time for us to be on our own especially if there is a baby coming!

We went to PA to visit my family. The trip was short and there were a few frustrations, but all in all it was good. I was glad I got to see my baby brother graduate. I enjoyed spending time with my sister, my cousin, and my grammy. I loved holding the two babies and I was shocked at how much my little buddy (my cousin's son) had grown! I got to see an aunt that I hadn't seen since I moved here. Not bad at all.

senseless babble

I had lost 7 pounds and I was extremely proud of myself. Then I got hay fever. It was so bad I didn't feel like doing anything. Needless to say, I gained a bit of the weight back because I wasn't keeping up with exercising. I had to start over with that yesterday. Good news is that the first few pounds come off easy. I don't hit a stall until I've lost about 10.

I overwhelm myself. I commit myself to so many different projects and then when I look at all I have to do, I freak out and do nothing because it seems insurmountable. I think I cause myself to fail in my effort to do everything, be everywhere, and take care of everyone. I keep telling myself that I will stick to the commitments and get them all done, but I keep allowing myself to procrastinate. I'm doomed.

Been thinking about the whole having a kid thing again. I actually might have found a way for it to happen. Two potential plans actually. One is going to require saving up some money, but it's doable. The other requires convincing the girlfriend that asking the person I want to ask isn't such a bad idea. What's the worst that can happen? He says "no". Big deal. And if he says yes? Amazing possibility.

Finally some results!

I weighed myself today and I've lost 2lbs! That's not a lot but it's a start. It's good to finally see the numbers going down. I feel more motivated to keep up with the diet and exercise routine. I don't even want to think about how many more pounds I have to lose, but I think if I focus on losing 2 pounds every week I'll be doing good. As my little cousin reminded me yesterday, I didn't gain this weight overnight and I'm not going to lose it all overnight either.

how do you tell your girlfriend her dog is ruining your relationship?

She had this dog before we met. It's not that I hate dogs. I don't even hate this particular dog. I just hate some of the behaviors he displays and I'm frustrated that she's doing nothing to correct it.

The first problem is how he acts when we have food. He doesn't just beg when we're eating. He will get his face right up to your plate. He feels like he's entitled to everything we have because she frequently feeds him off her plate. And if you don't give him anything he gets upset, will whine, and then will find one of the cats to terrorize. I have told her over and over to stop feeding him from her plate and to stop feeding him our food when we're eating. He's a dog and he needs to learn that. She doesn't listen. Anything I try to do to correct this behavior doesn't work because she will keep doing what she's doing.

The second problem is the dog sleeping in the bed. I've never been the kind of person who was ok with the dog being in the bed. It really messes with my allergies. I put up with it at first because he's a small dog and I didn't think it would be much of an issue. It is. He takes up more room than you would think possible for a dog his size. He steals the blankets. He snores louder than any person I've met. He wakes up in the middle of the night and scratches like crazy. I can't get a good night of sleep with him in the bed. And forget about being intimate. He goes nuts when he sees us sitting close to each other and will come and try to get between us. If she makes a sound in the bed, he has to rush up to see what's going on and sometimes growls at me. She finds it funny. I think it kills the mood. Would it be so terrible to insist the dog sleep in his own little doggie bed in the living room? He'd get used to the arrangement in a few days. He's a smart dog and can adapt to change quickly.

crybaby

I hate being emotional. I hate feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment. I hate ending up crying for stupid reasons. I hate that I get sulky and irritable. On days like this I really hate being me.

Today I saw some stupid movie with some kid who had lost her mom. Naturally, I burst into tears. Twenty minutes later I was finally able to pull myself up from a fetal position and stop crying for my own lost mommy. That is so pathetic I don't even have words for how pathetic it is. I'm 28 freakin years old and I was crying for my MOM!

I woke up crying last night from a nightmare too. I dreamed that I was running around the place where I grew up, trying to find my father and his sister. Both of them are gone, but in the dream they were waiting for me and I couldn't find them. I hate dreams like that. What the heck is it supposed to mean? I keep having really weird dreams and they bother me. It's gotten to the point where I try not to fall asleep. And forget letting myself go lie down in my bed. I can't bring myself to do it. I've been sleeping in the living room with the tv on for almost a week.

UGH! I hate that I get still like this when I'm on a "depressive cycle". Not that a "manic cycle" is better. I want a more even level but I refuse to take meds. I can't handle being a zombie either. Some days I really wish I could be someone else for a little while so I don't have to deal with me.

making changes

For the past 7 days I've been trying to make positive healthy changes in my life. I've changed my diet; less sugar and carbs, more raw vegetables and fruits, and taking a daily vitamin. I've started exercising more; yoga, boxing, and strength training every day. The results are both good and bad. I've had some pretty sore muscles, but I guess I expected that to happen. I have more energy. I'm definitely liking that. Unfortunately I have gained a pound and the point of all of this was to help me lose weight. I hope that the pound I gained was because I'm building muscle and hopefully the weight will start coming off soon. I'm not giving up. In fact I'm considering adding more time to the workout for the next week. Maybe I'm just not exercising long enough. It would be nice to see some real results. It's difficult to stay motivated if I'm not seeing any weight loss. Well, we'll see how it goes for the next 7 days.

scholastic anxiety

I got accepted to college. Woohoo! I have some things to do before I can actually enroll though. First I have to go get a new ID card because I accidentally let mine expire. Then I have the anxiety educing placement tests. I am so freaking stressed out about the math test. I am really bad with Algebra. I'm hoping that in the weeks leading up to the test I can learn enough of it to get placed in the level I need to be at. After the placement tests, I have to go to a new student orientation. After that I can speak with an adviser about choosing classes and signing up. I'm psyched about going to college, but I'm terrified about everything that leads up to it...and I'm way terrified that I'm going to be the weird kid who gets picked on again. Just have to remember to breathe, right? Nothing can be as bad as my anxiety makes it seem. I hope I'm not wasting my time and I'm smart enough and driven enough to make this happen.

sometimes I feel really crazy...and then I blog

I feel so lost and confused at this point in my life. I still can't find a freaking job and it's pissing me off. There has to be something out there for me, doesn't there? I just need something at least part time to pay the bills while I figure out all this school crap. I applied to the school I really want to go to and haven't heard anything. I'm working on applying to a couple other schools just in case. I do know that I qualify for financial aid, but I won't know exactly what that looks like until I get accepted somewhere. Things between the girlfriend and I are strained. I know it's partly my frustration over my career path and school. But there are things looming between us that need to be discussed. I told her a few months ago that I didn't want to have kids anymore, but as much as I try to convince myself it's true; it isn't. I want to be a mother. It just doesn't seem like a possibility. We can't agree on a donor and we can't afford to go the anonymous route and adoption isn't really an option for us so where does that leave us? Divine intervention? I keep praying that something will happen to make it more possible, but every day I live with the sadness of it not happening. It's heartbreaking. I actually broke down and cried the other day because I couldn't stop thinking "I will never be someone's mother." I suppose there's no use torturing myself with it. I have to move on...unless I can find some guy to sleep with and get pregnant and not tell the girlfriend until after it happens. (That's a lame joke. I wouldn't do that.) It just really pisses me off that my brother and his wife keep popping out kids that they can barely feed and treat like crap and I can't have a child. And these weird ass dreams about my parents aren't helping my anxiety any. I know there are unresolved issues but damn! It's gotten to the point that I don't want to go to sleep anymore. I will force myself to stay awake as long as possible to avoid those dreams. I can't even put into words why they disturb me so much. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm still dreaming that my parents are alive and part of my life. It's been 4 years since my dad died and 7 years since my mom died. It can't be normal after that amount of time to keep dreaming that they're still here, can it? It's like I'm stuck in denial and I can't move on. Is there something they're trying to tell me? Something I'm supposed to learn from these dreams? A manifestation of my own fears about never being a parent? My psyche trying to work out those issues I had with them that I never dealt with? I wish I knew so I could get past it and stop having those dreams. The panic attacks have started up again too. I thought I was finally over that crap, but apparently not. They just happen. I have no warning, no trigger to watch out for, and no way to stop one once it starts. I just have to ride it out and try to convince myself it's not a heart-attack. I hate when they happen. It's just another sign of how abnormal I am. It makes me feel like some kind of crazy freak.

Loneliness

"Loneliness is the human condition." Janet Fitch wrote that in White Oleander. Is it true? Is everyone lonely? Is the search for something to fill the void inside futile?

I feel lonely more often than not. I wish for...search for; someone or something that will make that aching hollowness go away. Sometimes I can forget it's there, but it never goes away.

the rollercoaster called life

I really should update this more. I think about writing all the time, but I can rarely organize my thoughts and actually make it to the computer before I lose my train of thought. Plus I get sick of reading my own posts and seeing how whiny they are.

Where to start????

CJ has been in Iraq since December 29th. She's called twice and emailed once. So at least the communication seems to be better than we'd hoped. The GF and I are thinking about throwing a box of stuff together to ship to CJ since we have an address now. I'm sure she would appreciate a few things from home.

Christmas wasn't as bad as it usually is. I did get emotional, but I'm going to blame that on the fact that I was really drunk. LOL

New Year's was depressing. It always is since it's the anniversary of Mom's death. I can't believe it's been 5 years. I still miss her all the time.

I had a pretty bad case of the flu. Spent two days on the couch doing nothing but sleeping and puking. I feel better but now I'm terrified that the GF is getting sick. Not that she'll admit it until she's so sick she can't move. Miss Tough Girl...that's her. She's not doing herself any favors trying to pretend she's not sick. If she would just take the medicine and rest, she'd get over it faster.

I'm supposed to call today about meeting with someone at PCC to go over admissions and financial aid. I'm seriously considering chickening out. It's all so overwhelming. I can always do school online.