I hate my birthday.  I seriously do.  My mom was big on celebrating birthdays.  She was the one who made it special.  Since she passed away, it's not the same.  And it's even worse since her birthday was the day after mine.  Every year I try not to think about it, but as it creeps closer I get more and more depressed.  I've given up trying to make it special.  I wanted to do something big last year...turning 30 and all, but of course I couldn't do anything really because of money and whatever.  It's seriously the saddest day of the year for me.  Maybe it wouldn't suck so much if, I don't know, maybe if all those people I've spent years sending birthday cards to and calling to say "Happy Birthday" to would return the favor just once.  Ugh, it's like my birthday has become this giant reminder that I'm a loser and everyone hates me.

feelings

I haven't written anything here in almost a year. Not shocking really. I guess I've finally learned to live in the "real world" most of the time, so I feel less compelled to blog. So why am I blogging today? I don't know. Boredom? Too many feelings swirling around that I can't talk to anyone about? *sigh* That's probably it. My grandmother passed away a week and a half ago. I miss her a lot. We were always very close. Losing her would have been hard no matter what the circumstances were, but after she died my family really pissed me off and make me sad. Her son or sons or sons and sister, I really don't know who is to blame but THEY decided to immediately cremate my grammy without having a viewing or a funeral or anything. There wasn't even an obituary in the paper. How f*ing disrespectful is that? This amazing, kind, sweet woman deserved better. I know I will never forgive them. I'm going "home to PA" in July. I didn't see the point in rushing there since there wasn't going to be a funeral, but I do want to go to Grammy's grave and say good-bye. Going back there without her waiting for me will be the hardest part. It would always be "home" with Grammy there and now...I feel like I'm going back to really say good-bye. Not just to her, but to "home"...to the me who (sort of) belonged there...to all the things from my past that I clung to. I think it's time to really move on with my life, as hard as that may be. In my heart, I feel like this will be the last time I go back and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I will miss it. I will miss it being "home". I will miss the sounds, the smells, the familiar roads, and some of the people. And who knows, maybe someday I will have a kid or two and I'll take them there and show them where I grew up.