damn

Two tests. Both negative.

latest development

I started cramping and spotting yesterday. I know it doesn't mean that I'm absolutely not pregnant, but it still drained a little hope from me. I was awake half the night trying to ease the cramps and crying off and on. I want so badly to be pregnant, I don't know if I can face it not happening. We're supposed to do the pregnancy test on Friday. I'm terrified to know one way or the other.

In other news. I register for my classes tomorrow morning. I've decided to take Psychology 101, Math 60 (Algebra), Writing 121 (English Composition), and a College Survival Class.

Secrets

I really hate keeping things a secret. Secrets are ok if it's about a surprise party or a gift for someone. Secrets are not ok when it comes to relationships with people you love. My GF keeps secrets. I have no clue what monumental secrets she might be keeping from me, but the secrets she's keeping from her family are driving me insane. Her father still does not know about me. We've been together for almost 5 years! I understand that it's not easy to come out to her dad, but how long is she going to keep this a secret? And that's not the only reason I'm upset about secrets. No one in her family is aware that we could be having a child. That wouldn't be a big deal, except that her sister shares the apartment with us. I think she should know. Plus why wouldn't we want to share this wonderful news with family? I don't get why she isn't ready to say anything to CJ. It's less than a week until the pregnancy test. I imagine that day is going to be really awkward. We have friends coming over to be here when we get the news. What is the GF going to do about CJ? Just throw it out there at the last minute? I don't think that's fair. But I don't know what to do.

Wow, I need to update this more often

Everything has been so busy for the last few months that I haven't thought about writing. So much has happened.

First of all, we found a donor and I have been inseminated. I still have to wait 12 days until I can find out if it worked or not. I'm trying to not get too excited but I can't help it! It just hits me at random moments and I think "I could be pregnant right now!" It's nice to have good "holy shit!" moments for once! I just wish it was all out in the open so I could talk about it. But we haven't told CJ yet or any of the GF's family for that matter. We had agreed to not tell anyone until after the insemination but now the GF is just too freaked out to tell her family. I'm waiting as patiently as I can but I don't know how much longer I can keep from blurting it out.

Secondly, I'm about 90% ready to start school this fall. I have to meet with an adviser sometime in the upcoming week so I know what classes to sign up for, and then on the 29th I register for classes. Then it's just a matter of waiting for the financial aid reward to come in and getting my books. I can't wait!

Third, we've started planning and saving up for our own apartment. It's been a long time coming and I cannot wait to get our own place. When CJ was gone, this place was ours and I liked the day to day of us. I think it's time for us to be on our own especially if there is a baby coming!

We went to PA to visit my family. The trip was short and there were a few frustrations, but all in all it was good. I was glad I got to see my baby brother graduate. I enjoyed spending time with my sister, my cousin, and my grammy. I loved holding the two babies and I was shocked at how much my little buddy (my cousin's son) had grown! I got to see an aunt that I hadn't seen since I moved here. Not bad at all.