not sure what's going on with me

I'm in a really pissy mood today. I don't know that there is one specific reason for it. It's more of a combination of things.

For one thing, the weather is shitty. It's been snowing all week and freezing at night making the roads impossible to drive on most of the time, so I haven't been out of the house much. Having to stay indoors all the time drives me crazy. I need fresh air! I get so antsy that I can't sit still; I can't concentrate on anything. I end up smoking way too much (I still haven't been able to kick the habit) or I end up eating too much and feeling sick.

The second reason is connected to the first but it also involves my lack of money. It's almost Christmas and I haven't bought a present for my girlfriend yet...because I was waiting for my sister-in-law to give me the $200 that she owes me. She said she hasn't been able to get to the bank because of the roads. Understandable. But I don't think she has any intention of giving me the money. In fact, I'd lay odds she's already broke. The woman spends without thinking. She can blow an entire $1600 paycheck in 2 days and have nothing to show for it. But because I'm a jobless loser I don't have any money and I was counting on her paying me back so I'd be able to buy a present for my girlfriend. Now I feel like a total ass because I might have nothing to give her on Christmas morning.

I'm getting so fed up with everything.

I can't find a job. I couldn't even get hired at McDonalds because I have a 5 year gap in my employment that I don't want to have to explain. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit.

I'm fed up with my girlfriend's work schedule. Because of other people where she works limiting their availability, she has to work opening shifts almost every day. She's up at 2am and at work by 4:30. When she gets home between 1 and 2, she's so exhausted that all she can do is have lunch and go to sleep. She sleeps until dinner. After dinner we watch Jeopardy and then she's got to go to sleep so she can wake up early. I hate that when we're actually together, she's asleep! We don't talk anymore. And to make things worse, I have insomnia now!

ARGH!!!!

I feel like smashing something.

I hate the holidays.

I've postponed going to therapy until after the holidays. It might not be the greatest idea but I just can't handle pouring my heart out to Ms. Kayla right now. I feel like shit this time of year. Mostly I feel sad because I miss my family and the huge gatherings we used to have for the holidays. But there is something else that happens this time of year that's hard to explain.

It begins in November. Technically I guess it's something that goes on all year. There is an ever growing list of people I'm supposed to remember to send birthday cards to (and some expect gifts). All of my siblings except the oldest 2 and youngest one expect at least a card on their birthday, their spouses birthday and their childrens' birthdays. The youngest brother is only 17 so he doesn't have a spouse or children but he does expect a card on his birthday. I always send something to my grandmother on her birthday because we were always very close. So the list of people I have to remember to send birthday cards to throughout the year now totals 17. That might not seem like a lot but it's not easy to keep track and find the perfect cards and send gifts to the ones that expect it, especially when I don't have much money.

Now back to what happens in November. My birthday comes and no one remembers. I'm lucky if I get a card from one of my siblings. They don't even call me to say "happy birthday". I try to laugh it off and pretend I don't care, but it hurts. I don't understand why it's ok for them all to get pissed at me if I can't afford to send a gift but they can't even be bothered to send me a card.

And then the Christmas season starts. I have to send Christmas cards to the whole family...45 cards...sometimes more. I get maybe 5 in return. Then all 17 of those people I had to send birthday cards to expect me to send gifts for Christmas. I do the best I can but I can't always afford to send gifts to everyone. Guess how many of them send gifts to me. My little cousin might, if she can afford it...and she's the only one.

So why do I kill myself year after year trying to please these people? I really don't know. I feel obligated. I don't want to piss anyone off. I can't bear the thought of my siblings not talking to me. But I don't feel like any of them really appreciate it and they certainly don't care if my feelings get hurt when they don't send anything to me in return.

Every year I say it and it's still how I feel; I wish I could sleep from November to January and wake up when the holiday stupidity is over.