sometimes I feel really crazy...and then I blog

I feel so lost and confused at this point in my life. I still can't find a freaking job and it's pissing me off. There has to be something out there for me, doesn't there? I just need something at least part time to pay the bills while I figure out all this school crap. I applied to the school I really want to go to and haven't heard anything. I'm working on applying to a couple other schools just in case. I do know that I qualify for financial aid, but I won't know exactly what that looks like until I get accepted somewhere. Things between the girlfriend and I are strained. I know it's partly my frustration over my career path and school. But there are things looming between us that need to be discussed. I told her a few months ago that I didn't want to have kids anymore, but as much as I try to convince myself it's true; it isn't. I want to be a mother. It just doesn't seem like a possibility. We can't agree on a donor and we can't afford to go the anonymous route and adoption isn't really an option for us so where does that leave us? Divine intervention? I keep praying that something will happen to make it more possible, but every day I live with the sadness of it not happening. It's heartbreaking. I actually broke down and cried the other day because I couldn't stop thinking "I will never be someone's mother." I suppose there's no use torturing myself with it. I have to move on...unless I can find some guy to sleep with and get pregnant and not tell the girlfriend until after it happens. (That's a lame joke. I wouldn't do that.) It just really pisses me off that my brother and his wife keep popping out kids that they can barely feed and treat like crap and I can't have a child. And these weird ass dreams about my parents aren't helping my anxiety any. I know there are unresolved issues but damn! It's gotten to the point that I don't want to go to sleep anymore. I will force myself to stay awake as long as possible to avoid those dreams. I can't even put into words why they disturb me so much. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm still dreaming that my parents are alive and part of my life. It's been 4 years since my dad died and 7 years since my mom died. It can't be normal after that amount of time to keep dreaming that they're still here, can it? It's like I'm stuck in denial and I can't move on. Is there something they're trying to tell me? Something I'm supposed to learn from these dreams? A manifestation of my own fears about never being a parent? My psyche trying to work out those issues I had with them that I never dealt with? I wish I knew so I could get past it and stop having those dreams. The panic attacks have started up again too. I thought I was finally over that crap, but apparently not. They just happen. I have no warning, no trigger to watch out for, and no way to stop one once it starts. I just have to ride it out and try to convince myself it's not a heart-attack. I hate when they happen. It's just another sign of how abnormal I am. It makes me feel like some kind of crazy freak.