I hate the holidays.

I've postponed going to therapy until after the holidays. It might not be the greatest idea but I just can't handle pouring my heart out to Ms. Kayla right now. I feel like shit this time of year. Mostly I feel sad because I miss my family and the huge gatherings we used to have for the holidays. But there is something else that happens this time of year that's hard to explain.

It begins in November. Technically I guess it's something that goes on all year. There is an ever growing list of people I'm supposed to remember to send birthday cards to (and some expect gifts). All of my siblings except the oldest 2 and youngest one expect at least a card on their birthday, their spouses birthday and their childrens' birthdays. The youngest brother is only 17 so he doesn't have a spouse or children but he does expect a card on his birthday. I always send something to my grandmother on her birthday because we were always very close. So the list of people I have to remember to send birthday cards to throughout the year now totals 17. That might not seem like a lot but it's not easy to keep track and find the perfect cards and send gifts to the ones that expect it, especially when I don't have much money.

Now back to what happens in November. My birthday comes and no one remembers. I'm lucky if I get a card from one of my siblings. They don't even call me to say "happy birthday". I try to laugh it off and pretend I don't care, but it hurts. I don't understand why it's ok for them all to get pissed at me if I can't afford to send a gift but they can't even be bothered to send me a card.

And then the Christmas season starts. I have to send Christmas cards to the whole family...45 cards...sometimes more. I get maybe 5 in return. Then all 17 of those people I had to send birthday cards to expect me to send gifts for Christmas. I do the best I can but I can't always afford to send gifts to everyone. Guess how many of them send gifts to me. My little cousin might, if she can afford it...and she's the only one.

So why do I kill myself year after year trying to please these people? I really don't know. I feel obligated. I don't want to piss anyone off. I can't bear the thought of my siblings not talking to me. But I don't feel like any of them really appreciate it and they certainly don't care if my feelings get hurt when they don't send anything to me in return.

Every year I say it and it's still how I feel; I wish I could sleep from November to January and wake up when the holiday stupidity is over.