living with being bipolar

Lately I've been thinking that living with Bipolar Disorder without medication isn't working really well for me anymore. Is it possible for it to get worse over time? I used to think I was managing pretty well without meds. Now I'm not so sure. It feels like I'm losing control and I feel like it's starting to affect me in negative ways. I hate being bipolar. It seriously sucks. I can't control the swings in mood. I rapid cycle most of the time, which means I can be severely depressed when I wake up and by lunch I'm manic. I get irritated too easily lately and little annoyances become rage in an instant. That's not normal for me. I can't talk about this with anyone because it makes me sound freaking nuts. I don't even know how to describe what's going on in my head. One minute I feel like I can conquer the world and the next I'm filled with doubts and can't make decisions about simple things. The worst part about these things happening now is that it's starting to hurt my relationship with my girlfriend. I'm afraid to talk to her about what's going on with me because I don't want her to be worried about me. I don't want her to be disappointed with me either and she's always said she was proud of me for how well I managed my illness without meds. I hate the meds. I really do. I hate the way they sap all emotion out of me and make me feel like I'm walking around in some kind of hazy dream. If that's how normal people feel all the time, I don't know how they stand it! I just don't know how to deal with everything anymore. Nothing seems to make sense. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep normally. I drive myself crazy second guessing every choice I make. I can't deal with the annoying little every day things that happen. I am literally freaking out (at least in my head) a dozen times a day. I'm starting to get panicky about being alone. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything. Ugh, the more I write the more I know I really should go back to therapy and get the meds. Thing is, there's more to consider than just how I feel about all of this. I'm not sure we can afford the therapy or that I have time to commit to it because of school. And as I said, I hate the meds. I know me and I will take them for a little while and then I'll get sick of how dull I feel and I'll stop taking it. I just wish I knew someone else I could talk to who is bipolar and understands and can give me advice. Maybe if I could just talk it out, it wouldn't feel like it's crushing me.